Doctor Who - Classic Series - An Unearthly Child

It’s exciting to witness the birth of the show that’s kinda taken over my life and possibly become one of my biggest fictional loves of all time. It’s like tracing your history. Going back and seeing what your great-grandfather looked like.

He looked old.

Later, he got hot. This should happen in real life. Not with my grandfather, cuz that would be squicky that I’d want that, plus he’s dead, but for, you know, other people.

Oh, shut up.

“An Unearthly Child” opens up with a constable opening the door to an old scrapyard. The camera slithers through the yard until we get our first glimpse of the TARDIS. Let’s stroke it.


Cut to a 1963-era high school. Girls with beehives (the bees were missing even then). Girls whispering about boys (and girls). Bras that were a few short years of being burned.

Here we’re introduced to two teachers, Barbara and Ian, who are just batshit curious over some girl named Susan Foreman. Oh, the mystery. Who could she be? She’s only 15 and she can make a rocket ship out of peanut shells, a Ding Dong and some Valvoline. Her teachers are so curious they stalk her home. If Chris Hansen had only been born by now…

So, where’s home? Oh just some old scrapyard. That same scrapyard holding the TARDIS. Dun dun dun.

Of course, Susan’s so brilliant that she fails to see the two stupid apes watching her from a car right. In. front. of. her.

Now who’s a stupid ape? Hmm?

Shut up, Christopher Eccleston.

After she’s disappeared into the scrapyard, the teachers hypothesize about what’s going on in there. Barbara is afraid she’s in there all alone. That sly dog, Ian, is all, “Hey, I bet she’s getting’ it on with a boy.” Barbara hopes he’s right. Because she’s a pervert.

They’re about to go in and Barbara expresses fear. She’s afraid that she’s about to involve herself in something that should be left alone. Aw, hell naw. Get in there. I’ve got nine regenerations until Tennant and you are NOT slowing this train down, Miss Pervert.

“Don’t you feel it?” Barbara asks.

“I take things as they come.” He answers.

Matt Smith is off screen whispering, “That’s what she said.”

Mentioning of NuWho trifecta now complete.

Once in the scrapyard, they find the TARDIS and Ian puts his hand on it and asks, “Do you feel it?”

Oh, Ian. If you have to ask…

“It’s a fake vibration!” Barbara answers.

Ian, Barbara’s just not that into you.

And here he comes. The Doctor. Looking much like Dumbledore without his Fez. Oh, bb. If Captain Jack could see you now, you sexy thing.


Oh, hai, y'all. I'm the Doctor.

Ian walks up and introduces himself to a not-so-amused Doctor and assures him that their presence there is perfectly normal and okay. They’ve only been stalking a 15-year-old girl in hopes of seeing her gettin’ it on with her non-existent boyfriend. That’s all.

The Doctor understandably puts on his bitchface. Tells them to get off his lawn. If this were Mississippi, the Doctor would be holding a rifle right now and whistlin’ Dixie. Instead, he’s just, as Amy Pond would say, grumpyfaced.

It is very unattractive. He’s crotchety!

Barbara and Ian push past Uncle Scrooge and begin knocking on the TARDIS door, telling Susan that it’s okay to come out. They’re going to take the pervy old man keeping her in a cupboard to the coppers right after they finish watching her make-out session with her non-existent boyfriend.

Only a few minutes later, Susan, apparently deaf and really, really dumb, opens the door and asks what’s taking the old man so long.

Susan is proof that all little Gallifreyean children aren’t so bright.
This leads Barbara to bumrush the TARDIS doors and…

We get our first look at the interior of the TARDIS.

Even in black and white with questionable décor, it still looks better than the Series 5 TARDIS.

Now, The Doctor is bitching out Susan for being a dumbass. He’s kind of a jackass, but you have to admit: she is kind of a dumbass.

“You see, I knew this sort of thing would happen, you stupid child.” The Doctor says.

Hartnell’s Doctor has permanent bitchface.

Now that Barbara and Ian are in the TARDIS, there’s the obligatory, “What the fuck crack did I smoke before?” wonderings. The Doctor and Susan explain that they’re not of this Earth. No shit? Then, the Doctor informs them that he’s not going to let them leave his pit of questionable decor.

They go to walk out of the TARDIS and can’t leave. The doors are, wait for it, deadlock sealed! Okay, so he doesn’t say that. I did.

The Doctor laughs maniacally. The Master is somewhere off-screen being proud and wondering when the Doctor went all soft.

Welcome to my TARDIS 'o' Love, bbs.

This whole thing just dissolves into Susan begging the Doctor to let them go and the Doctor looking way too much like a bitchy soap opera matriarch for my tastes. Before long, the Doctor sends them away in the TARDIS and we hear what vaguely sounds like the trademark TARDIS sound.

Now, here’s one way that Classic Who is different from NuWho. With Classic Who, you had these small arcs that were comprised of several episodes. In Hartnell’s era and a little beyond, each episode had a different name. They kinda tossed that with later Doctors and just numbered them.

However, this is still the dawn of Who and each were named. So with the TARDIS landing on prehistoric Earth, we end “Unearthly Child: Unearthly Child” and begin “Unearthly Child: The Cave of Skulls.” Yeah. It’s a bit convoluted.

The episode opens with the closing shot of the first episode: a shadowy figure nearing the TARDIS. The camera then cuts to a dirty old caveman staring at the Phone Box before him, wondering if he can eat it.

We then cut to a bunch of cavemen, women and children surrounding a caveman who’s stroking his bone, trying to get something out it.

This is so not a children’s show.

No, really. This is an actual screencap. I'm not making this shit up.

After stroking his bone some more, he fails to get the fire he needs (Yeah, apparently he’s trying to set his bone on fire) so he demands of his woman, “Where has the fire gone?!”

“…….”, she answers.

Back in the TARDIS, Barbara and Ian are waking up from their “Oh shit” faint and the Doctor and Susan are proud of themselves for landing in a really bad, porny episode of The Flintstones.

Ian doesn’t believe they’ve went anywhere. He implores “Doctor Foreman” to open the doors. And thus comes the first “Doctor Who?” joke ever when The Doctor asks, “Doctor who?”

With Ian still disbelieving they’ve gone anywhere, the Doctor asks him, "If you could touch the alien sand and hear the cry of strange birds and watch them wheel in another sky, would that satisfy you?" prompting the first human ever to step from the TARDIS into a world foreign to his own.

Jiggity.

Once they step out the doors, the Doctor wonders why the TARDIS is still a police box (because it’s cool, son). Then he goes to collect some samples, because I guess that’s what you do when you don’t have any Daleks to fight or they don’t make Viagra for aging Time Lords. While sample-taking, he decides to light up his pipe, because that’s just what sample-taking Time Lords do. They toke a smoke.

Of course, this Doctor is apparently an amateur at sample-taking and gets taken by a caveman because he probably heard him saying something along the lines of the sample-taking being so simple even a caveman could do it.

This, of course, prompts Susan into hysterics and suddenly I’m pining for Amy Pond. Oh, holy shit.

Barbara, Ian and hysterical Susan go to investigate.

Cut to the caveman who was just earlier stroking his bone. He’s pissed cuz he can’t make fire. He’s pissed cuz his little buddy Cal, the one who it appears took the Doctor, says he knows how to make fire. But Bonestroker is the leader. He makes the fire. Not you, not you and noooot even you! Fuck with him? He’s gonna spill some blood.

Bonestroker’s soliloquy is interrupted when Cal brings back his kill: An old fart in checkered pants. The cavemen are amazed. Checkered pants went out of style in the Cretaceous Era.

Cal lays down old Checkered Pants and there’s some blah-blah-blah about some godlike guy named Orb who shoots fire out of his ass or mouth or something. Finally, Bonestroker decides he’s had enough of this bullshit and gets on with sniffin’ and smellin’ of the Doctor. He’s impressed that he’s wearing Hai Karate a good five years before it became popular.

As the Doctor wakes up, they’re still bitching about how Bonestroker will let some tiger come and eat them all and then freeze to death. Oh, who bloody knows. Basically, they’re bitching because none of these fuckers has a match.

This continues to go on and I realize that Bonestroker is the same caveman who cried about “they needin’ to do way to instain mother.” Bonestroker, I am truley sorry for your lots.

Finally, the Doctor jumps in and says, “Hole up. I can make you some fire. Just keep calm and shut the hell up.”

So, the Doctor reaches in his coat for his matches, but he realizes that after smoking his pipe, he lost ‘em. Honestly, I’m surprised the Doctor made it to 11 regenerations. There’s a guy down at my grandmother’s nursing home who rides one of those nifty get-around scooters that could have wiped the floor with this Doctor’s ass.

Then, Rassilon help us all, Bonestroker and Cal start bitching again. The Doctor’s screaming that he can’t make fire and before you know it, Susan, Barbara and Ian are bumrushing the cavemen kill party prompting what has to be one of the most god-awful caveman attempts to kill a dumbass with a tomahawk. Axe. Whatever the prop department had that day. Could have been a shoe for all I know. About as effective as one.

Now, Bonestroker’s really threatening to kill Ian with his toy tomahawk and the Doctor proclaims, “Bitch, kill him and see if you don’t get your fire.” Oh hello, Doctor. Nice to see you.

Cal, however, is lookin’ at purty Barbara. He wants to touchie, not just looky and for one terrifying second, it looks like he’s going to go for a boob. He changes his mind and strokes her face. That sexual harassment case from a couple of years back really left its mark.

“Take them to the Cave of Skulls!” Bonestroker demands. This, of course, prompts Susan to scream hysterically because that’s what she does best.

Now Bonestroker and the former tribe leader, we’ll call him Big Daddy, are bitching about his daughter. Bonestroker says he’s hers. Big Daddy says she’s not. This “my dick is bigger than your dick” bit goes on until the crazy lady in the tribe (everyone’s got one, amirite?) says they all need to die. Bonestroker’s all, “LOL, lady. We’re gonna kill them after we get our fire, foo’!”

Meanwhile back at the Ossuary Cave, Barbara is frightened. Ian tells her to hang on and stop being ungrateful. People pay good money to see Ossuaries back home!

The Doctor’s apologizing. Mainly because of “the stench!” If Ten were here, he would say this place smells like dirty caveman ass. He also takes notice of the skulls, which have all been split open. Someone’s been bashin’ some heads!

Cue the theme song! Here comes “An Unearthly Child: The Forest of Fear!”

Returning to the Cave of Smelly Sleeping Cavemen, all the cavemen are snug in their beds (read: the ground) with visions of Russell T Davies dancing in their head. Uh oh. Crazy Cave Lady doesn’t like that dream. She’s getting up. Uh-oh! She’s got a rock now! Oh, this shit is on!

Back in the Ossuary of Dead Cavemen Who Died of Unfortunate Head Trauma, Ian is bitching out the Doctor for only complaining and not helping. What do you expect, Ian? He’s wearing checkered pants. He should obviously be playing golf.

As Crazy Cave Lady makes her way to the Cave of Ill-Fated Companions, the Doctor, Ian, Barbara and Susan try to free themselves of their restraints. The Doctor instructs Barbara to try and mentally map out the way they came to rescue them.

Barbara is shocked that the Doctor, the man who was all, “Yo bitch, Imma trap you in my TARDIS” earlier, is helping her. “It makes companions of all of us.” He says.
That’s right. The first companions were kidnapped. Somewhere, Rose Tyler is fantasizing about Ten tying her to the console.

Wait. Shit. Nevermind. That's me.

Back in the Caveman nursery, Bonestroker’s woman wakes him up and informs him that Crazy Cave Lady has went rogue. Bonestroker picks up his tomahawk and is ‘bout to bust in some geriatric lady cave head.

Crazy Cave Lady bursts through the backdoor of the Cave of Smelly Dead Cavemen Ass and says, “You will not make fire.” This whole dramarama goes on for some time and ends with Crazy Cave Lady setting them free by pointing behind her and saying, “Yo bitch, there’s the door” (why didn’t these fools see this before?) and Bonestroker and his Lady, busting through, preparing to follow them through the forest where some unnamed beast lives.

That sounds like a promising enterprise.

In the forest, the Doctor is having a bad go of it cuz he’s old, Barbara can’t remember shit and there’s some beast making Jurassic Park sounds in the forest. And now that Susan’s remembering that this is the way they came and it shouldn’t be too far from the TARDIS, it’s time for a time-wasting freak-out. This time it’s Barbara. She sees a bush move so she does the smartest thing she knows to do: She cries about it.

Barbara’s been hanging out with Susan for too long.

Ian suggests resting for a couple of minutes. Because that’s the best thing to do when Bone, Thugs and Harmony and Not-So-Friendly Baby Bop are on your ass.

Meanwhile, Bone, Thugs and Harmony have found the obligatory broken branch and sniffed out their trail. Barbara, of course, taking over the role of annoying as all get out from Susan, trips and falls as soon as they’re back on their feet, sees a dead boar or some shit and screams bloody murder.

Yeah, because no one’s going to hear that.

I vote for killing her.

Furthermore, it’s obvious what a dead boar means (I’m going with boar – it actually looks like a Jungle Cruise reject, but…): John Locke has been here. Let’s all do the Cabbage Patch!

Bone Thugs is on their trail and the Doctor and the crew are hiding in the bushes (insert obligatory dirty joke here). Ian reminds them to “Keep down and not a sound.” Do you understand, Babs? Sit down and shut the fuck up.

Oh snap! Bonestroker’s being eaten by a T-Rex! Barbara wants to help.

Okay, hold the phone box. Earlier, you were screaming cuz you came up on John Locke’s supper. Now you want to wrestle the T-Rex for his Hungry Man meal? Bitch, you are dumb.

The Doctor agrees with me. This is pretty normal.

Now Barbara, Ian and Susan are wanting to take in a stray caveman and get him some antiseptic back at the Ranc..TARDIS. The Doctor looks on like they’ve lost their fool minds.

Back at the Cave of Smelly Dead Cavemen Ass, the old Crazy Cave Lady is getting her head bashed in by Cal for letting the Doctor and his crew go.

Cut to the Doctor and crew. Barbara, Ian and Susan are making a makeshift stretcher with some sticks, some dust and some spit. The Doctor isn’t helping and is pouting. “He’s always like this if he doesn’t get his way,” Susan says. Who says Time Lords are evolved?

At the Cave of Dirty, Yet Still Living Caveman Ass, Cal is working the cavemen into a tizzy. He tells them to ask the old woman what happened. Oh shit! She’s dead! How did that happen! Cal lays on some bullshit about how he “sees things” and he sees that Bonestroker killed her when she tried to stop him from letting the Doctor go.

Cal would be great at editing schoolbooks in Texas. Or ghostwriting for Glenn Beck. Revisionist history like this is hard, yo.

In the forest, the Doctor and his companions are nearing the TARDIS. Susan is happy until Ian states the obvious. The dirty ass cavemen are waiting for them.

And now we begin the fourth and final episode, “An Unearthly Child: The Firemaker.” Wonder what this one’s about!

I bet this one's about making donuts.

Now that the Doctor and the Cavemen rave party are back together, Cal is busy accusing poor old Bonestroker of setting them free and killing old Crazy Cave Lady. Cal, intent on proving his accusation, pulls a rock (they’re calling it a knife – cavemen are stupid) from Bonestroker’s stuff and says, “Aha!”

The Doctor says, “Fool, does it look like that thing has some blood on it? Shit, man.”

“It is a bad knife!” Cal says. “It does not show the things it does!”

I bet he’d be a blast with kitchen appliances.

The Doctor informs him that it’s a perfectly good knife and that he’s being way too critical. Years later, Cal’s descendants will be online bitching about RTD’s Doctor Who tenure.

Cal comes back at him, pulls a knife from his skins and says, “Bitch, you wanna see a good knife? I gotz one!”

The Doctor takes the knife and says, “Well, would you look at this? His knife has blood on it. Sucker!”

Then, the Doctor does some shit that’s brilliant. He starts a public stoning. “Follow my lead,” he whispers to Ian. He picks up a rock and throws it at Cal exclaiming “Drive him out!” Ian follows suit and before long, it’s a caveman lynching.

Aw yeah. Cavemen lynching founded by the Doctor Whatever The Hell Year It Is, B.C..

Apparently, a good bit of violence is all Bonestroker needed to make him better because now he’s on his feet and having the Doctor and company taken back to the cave.

Crap. More smelly cavemen ass. Lot of good it did to save Bonestroker, right, Ian?

And here we are back in the Cave of Smelly Dead Cavemen Ass . Dammit! I’m sick of this place!

Ian makes some fire with some sticks, twigs and leaves just like a good Boy Scout and Bonestroker is impressed. He wants to know how to stroke his stick properly.

Unfortunately, so does Cal who has taken this moment to overtake the sentry outside the Old Crazy Cave Lady’s hole (oh, yes I did) and initiate a homoerotic wrestling session with Bonestroker.

Next time someone talks about RTD's gay agenda, send them this.

We interrupt this broadcast for the Many Faces of the Doctor and His Companions watching cavemen porn:

"Bonestroker's got a mighty fine ass."

Barbara prefers girl on girl.

Honestly, this is just Susan's everyday, ho-hum expression.

Absolutely no manscaping! Oh dear, dear, dear!

After Bonestroker bashes Cal’s head in, Ian, like a proud papa, gives him a torch to take to his people who are outside in a fizz cuz they missed the gay wrestling scene. Ian wants to go with him because he really enjoyed seeing Bonestroker’s ass in action.

The Doctor takes hold of him and tells him to stay put. He then mumbles, “You’re worse than Jack.”

Bonestroker takes his fire to the people and declares himself leader. He wanted to sing “The Impossible Dream” at this point, but Ian had informed him earlier that this wasn’t Glee.

Lot of good it did him, because Bonestroker is now leader and he’s keeping the Doctor and company as pets. I want a Time Lord for a pet.

Back in the Cave of Smelly Dead Cavemen Ass, Ian whines about how nothing worked and they’re going to be kept there forever and ever. They’ll miss the Moon Landing and Wal-Marts and Disney World and the Lost finale.

Seriously, why are people afraid of using the backdoor? Earlier, watching the homoerotic wrestling scene, that’s all Ian was thinking about: backdoors.

So, Susan comes up with the brilliant idea of putting skulls on flaming torches and scaring the shit out of the cavemen by having them waiting for them when they come back into the Den of Cavemen Lust. Bonestroker, apparently, was very upset with the film version of Ghost Rider.

It works. They run for it while the cavemen cry and moan at the skulls. Until one falls over. There’s always one ornery bitch in a group of flaming cavemen skulls.

Say it with me: Torch search party! My favorite scene right here is when they’re running, Barbara falls down and the Doctor just keeps running, nearly tromping on her head. Awesome.

Now it’s a Cavemen Forest Rave Party! There’s even basstastic techno music! And fantastically brilliant fake running shots!

Luckily, they all make it back to the TARDIS and then there’s that brilliant sound we all know and love: The Doctor leaving the brake on.

Barbara and Ian demand the Doctor take them back to their home in London. It’s at this point that the Doctor reveals that, well, he’s kind of shit at driving the TARDIS. They could be anywhere. And judging by the visual on the screen, Anywhere is most likely a low-rent version of Dagobah.

Before they go out and explore where they’ve landed, the Doctor suggests they clean up. Why, I don’t know. It’s obvious that they’ve landed in another smelly era or on another smelly planet. I’m thinking the Doctor was looking for him a lady-friend even back then.

The Doctor asks what the radiation levels are reading. Normal, of course, until she walks off and then they suddenly go up. DUN DUN DUN.

Back in the day, the TARDIS had an "Oh Shit" meter.

Tune in next time when the Doctor meets the Daleks! Imagine: This was when people hadn’t yet learned to bitch about the overuse of the Daleks. Well, mainly because they had no idea what they were, but still: imagine!